Bad Advice Goes A Long Way
by Writer25
Summary: What happens when Eddy tried to give Edd sex advice? Just a small EddxMarie oneshot. Just a warm up quickie to get me to start writing again


The living room was mostly quiet except for the ticking of the wall and the humming of the dishwasher while it cleaned the dishes from dinner. Usually the near silence and absence of his parents would have bothered Double D, but over the past few years the feeling of loneliness in a quiet space gradually went away. But that was most owing to the young lady in the living room with him at the moment. They were supposed to be doing English homework, but unfortunately Marie seemed much more interested in studying… anatomy. His girlfriend of three years currently had him pinned on the floor while she smothered him with kisses.

"M-Marie," Double D shivered as her mouth trailed his neck. "I-I appreciate your, erm, display of af-f-f-fection, but shouldn't we continue with our homework?"

"We're taking a study break." Marie cooed, and slipped a hand up his shirt.

Double D bit back a moan as her hand moved over his chest and stomach. He was almost eighteen now so he had been feeling the force of his hormones for a while now, but Marie made them go into overdrive. Those senses took over now as Double D threaded his fingers into Marie's azure locks and pulled her in to kiss her lips.

Marie sighed and her body melted onto his. But just when Double D thought giving into his hormones wasn't such a bad idea after all, he felt her hand graze the top of his pants—

* * *

"You threw her off you!?" Eddy screeched. "Sockhead you idiot! You were about to get some!"

As their daily tradition, the three of them were sitting in Ed's room, lounging on bean bag chairs while Double D recounted last week's events to them. He had apologized to Marie numerous times since then, but she still remained somewhat cold towards him.

Ed tilted his head in confusion. "Give Double D what Eddy?"

"You know, it."

"What's it?"

"Geez Lumpy, am I not speaking English here?" Eddy said impatiently. "She was about to give Sockhead some action."

"Like a Van Diesel movie?"

Eddy face palmed while Double D sank back in his seat in embarrassment.

"No Ed," He muttered. "The action Ed is referring to is a euphemism for um, sexual interactions."

"Haven't you two already done it already?" Eddy asked. "You two have been going out for a whole two years already."

Double D frowned indignantly. "Three years Eddy, and our relationship isn't based on physical gratification. It's about companionship, comfort, honesty, and trust."

"Sounds like someone is having trouble buttering Marie's toast." Ed snickered.

Eddy burst out laughing and Double D sank further into his bean bag chair. Ed and Eddy were both laughing hysterically and he became more and more embarrassed.

"I don't know how okay!?" He burst out suddenly. "I'm unfamiliar with the female anatomy in terms of sexual satisfaction!"

He flopped back on the bean bag in utter defeat. His face was warm with embarrassment with the admission. In the three years that he and Marie had been dating, things hadn't moved beyond kissing. And as amorous and affectionate as Marie was, he was concerned that the lack of physicality between them might eventually drive her away.

"Oh don't look so down, Double D." Eddy smirked and wrapped his arm around his shoulder. "Because lucky for you, I am the sexual satisfaction guru."

Eddy then reached into his backpack and pulled out a stack of magazines. Nude and barely dressed women were littered the pages. Double D felt his blush intensify and even Ed stopped laughing and looked nervous.

"These boys," Eddy smirked, "are the instruction manuals to all hot babes."

"Oh dear…" Double D muttered.

Eddy proudly flipped through the pages while he "educated" them on apparently what drove woman crazy, erm… in bed. Despite his more gentlemanly attitude towards women, Double D found himself intrigued by the raunchy pictures and articles. Ed was giggling nervously as his remained glued to the pages as well. Eddy coached them through different ways to kiss, different ways to persuade woman into intercourse, and different ways to make oneself alluring to woman. For the first time in his life, it almost felt like too much information for Double D to handle.

"I have to admit Eddy, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed." Double D nervously tugged at the collar of his shirt. "Are you sure I'll be able to comprehend and utilize this information in time for my next romantic soirée with Marie?"

"What?"

"Uh… come again?"

"Ugh, do you think I'll be able to learn this in time for when Marie and I are alone again?"

"Well duh! Of course you will!" Eddy roughly slapped him on the back. "Now take out a pen and paper, class in now in session."

* * *

Nearly a week went by before Double D had the opportunity to test his new found knowledge. It was Friday, their weekly movie night and his parents were once again out of town, so he and Marie curled up on the couch under a blanket and watched a video. The living room was pitch black except for the glow of the television screen.

Even though they've cuddled before, Double D felt especially nervous right now. He was sitting in a somewhat relaxed position while Marie had her arms wrapped around his torso and her head on his chest. He absentmindedly stroked her hair but was too distracted to really focus on the movie. Sure enough after about an hour into the movie, Marie tilted her head up and began gently blowing on his jaw, making him shiver.

"Are you, um, not enjoying the movie, darling?" He asked shakily.

"It's alright," Marie smirked and tilted his face towards hers, "but I think I found something better to do."

She leaned up to kiss him, but Double D jumped off the couch before she could.

"Um, I'll be right back love bunny," He gave her a nervous smile. "I just have to um…freshen up."

Marie looked confused as he dashed upstairs to his private bathroom. He quickly locked the door and searched under the sink. On the back shelf was a bottle of cologne that Eddy had him order from one of the magazines called _Arrogant Man_. It smelled atrocious but Eddy and the magazines had assured him that it would drive women crazy and give him the confidence he needed to make the night go smoothly. So he held his nose and sprayed it on himself. He also took a few moments to study the notes he had taken. Once he felt prepared enough, Double D took a deep breath, nearly gagged on his own cologne and headed back down to his girlfriend with his notes tucked in his back pocket.

"Sorry about that love," Double D said coming back down the stairs. "I hope I didn't keep you waiting for too long."

"That's okay sweet- ugh!" Marie's smile quickly turned to disgust. "What's that smell?"

"Smell?" Double D flushed and started sweating nervously. "What smell? I didn't notice any smell."

"It smell like Shortstops cheap cologne and booze." Marie crinkled her nose as she studied him. "You didn't happen to-"

"Would you like to continue watching the movie Marie?" Double D interrupted quickly. "Or perhaps we could get back to… cuddling?"

Marie smiled again. "Cuddling sounds great Dreamboat. Get over here."

Double D sighed in relief and sat next to Marie on the couch again. She moved closer to him and their kissing resumed. Their lips softly moved against each other and he felt a jolt of nervousness go through him when her hand went to the hem of his shirt. Recalling his notes though, he responded by promptly slapping her rear end.

"Mmph!" Marie gave a muffled squeak and broke their kiss with a small laugh. "What was that for?"

"Um, I um…" Double D was momentarily caught off guard. "I was showing my appreciation for your… oh goodness, what's the term? Oh, your slammin'booty?"

Marie turned bright red and looked utterly confused. "You what now?"

Double D frantically tried to recall what next to do on the notes, then quickly leaned forward and licked the entirety of Marie's ear.

"UGH!" Marie leapt off the couch and vigorously started rubbing the side of her face. "EDDWARD!"

"Oh dear, oh dear." Double D took the notes out of his back pocket and searched desperately.

"Gimme that!" Hi girlfriend snarled and snatched the notes out of his hand. "What the heck is this?"

"Nothing darling!" Double D made a grab for them, but she shoved him back onto the couch.

" _Wooing the Babe 101_?" Marie read, still snarling. " _Step one, show some appreciation for that booty by giving it a big ole slap_? Double D what is this garbage?"

"Um, um…" Double D sighed and hung his head. "My apologizes Marie. Those notes were given to me by Eddy in an attempt to aid me in our, um…. Future sensual endeavors. They appear not to have worked as expected."

"That's an understatement." Marie scoffed and tossed the notes on the floor. "Honeypants, we don't have to rush things between us if you aren't ready. And I definitely don't want you getting advice from Eddy."

Double D looked up and smiled at her. "Really? Oh sweet muffin, you have no idea how relieved I am to hear that."

"Besides," Marie continued with a smirk. "I'd be more than happy to give you some private one on one lessons myself."

Double D's smile fell and he swallowed nervously. "W-whatever you want, Marie."

"But first," His girlfriend's nose wrinkled again, "wash that cheap garbage off. It'll start attracting cats."

"Hehe understood."

 **A/N- Super short oneshot/gift for someone on tumblr. Hopefully this will get be back into the mood to write more Ed Edd n Eddy stuff. I'm accepting art and oneshot requests by the way. Message me here or on tumblr. I go by turchinorain on tumblr.**


End file.
